Desperation, Devastation and dangerous feelings

I'm feeling desperate again and when I'm feeling like this I want to write down every single thing in my mind in case there is some clue in what's been happening that might unlock some new level of strength for me and insight for my kids.

My therapist is trying to help me recover from a recent reeling revelation in the realms of gender idewoogly. She said she takes comfort from thinking that God gave us the kids he did because we are:

"Strong enough to shoulder the burden and get them through it."

I just think that's said to make people feel better for being in such a terrible situation they could never imagine or cope with. It's a platitude to me as bad as "you have other kids" after a miscarriage. 

Also, I'm not strong enough for this gender ideology. I don't want to always have to be "strong enough." I've had enough of it. And for what? Two kids to be stolen from me by a force beyond my abilities? I'm in a death holding pattern. I am waiting for my executioners to decide when or if they're going to mutilate themselves in the name of self-loathing and transhumanism progressiveness. 

I just don't know how much more of this I can deal with. It's just so hard trying to keep and maintain good connections whilst navigating around this idewoogly. It taints everything I say and everything we do together. It's in the back of my mind, or it's said out loud and causes upset or it's danced around and becomes a game of dodgideology word. Don't say the wrong thing or else! It's just one thing after another. There's very little respite to recover between revelations of the gendered sort.

I found disturbing things again in my middle's room. She's really struggling again but I also had another fight with the eldest, about critical thinking but she is thoroughly captured. It's disheartening and demoralising all the damn time. I'm thankful every day mine are supposedly waiting for surgery and still talking to me. I say supposedly because they could change their mind at any time. 

 

I know they are both still ways off from desisting and I know they still have time. Well. I think we have time, who knows how cemented this desire for a double mastectomy to opt out of their sex. It's just every time something happens

I feel defeated once again, by gender idewoogly. Demoralised by the woogly. I feel one step further away from my babies and I feel them sink deeper into this ideology. 

Like when I find testo-10 pills and worrying words, when I was only looking for nail glue, when I had specially chosen, to protect my mental health, not to look for blades this time. See where that got me?! 

Almost died when I saw the pills till I checked them up and realised they were mostly ginseng and vitamins. They are apparently a natural booster for men who are working out. Even if it is slightly amusing she's willingly taking vitamins, it's really the intent behind buying it that devastates me. 

It comes to something when you capitalise on the regret over their self harm scars to try and make them see the regret that double mastectomy scars might hold for them. The irony.

It's the classic signs of a female teenager, there's the self loathing, the confusion about identity and where she fits in society all exacerbated by autism and further solidified in the confusion and pseudoscience that is gender ideology. 

Maybe the weekend will bring us joy and peace free from idewoogly.