Beginning of the end

The amount of cognitive dissonance I have to perform daily is mentally exhausting. This gender curse affects every waking moment. Everything is a stress zone. Everything is stressy. There is always another trans bomb around the corner ready to disrupt our lives in some way or other.

This mornings one is to sort out getting her stitches out after another bad bout of self harming. She's taken herself off the GP system so I can't do it. She doesn't want me involved with anything to do with her health or life yet she still comes to me to ask for help with the gp system. She's 17.

The dance between independence and codependence, this natural gradual distancing from each other is marred with ideological tension and anguish. It has irrevocably changed our once close relationship. 

People always say oh G-d wouldn't give you more than you can handle or these kids were born to a mother like you, cos you are massively strong enough to get your kid through it. 

I think this is a neat little piece that others say to try and make you feel better.

It doesn't work. I don't believe it. I'm only not choosing an opt out cos I know the outcome would be worse for my family. Doesn't stop me feeling like it's the best option sometimes. I feel impotent and pointless a lot of the time.

This ideology goes against everything I ever worked towards for my family. It's inveigled it's tendrils into every aspect of society and targeted children at their most vulnerable time. It's attacked, dismantled and destroyed our family life. It's broken me. It's ruined us. Yet still it comes for us, day after day. Relentless, uncaring and bloody minded.

So no more.

I've decided I need to step back from my eldest. I need to regain my sanity and start just focusing on my other two children. I can't deal with her attitude anymore. I need to distance myself emotionally. This is the first time I've felt it would be better if she left and I feel my heart hardening a bit which breaks my heart even more. 

She's an adult now and I need to let go of this idea of our family being a cohesive loving unit anymore. I can't bring her with on the rest of our families journey if she steadfast refuses to join us. So for my own mental health I need to distance. I feel terrible for not being able to keep my family together. 😞