Forgive me

There is a woman in our community who is the transmum. She has a transkid and I think her kid was an influence on my kids right back in the beginning when my kids were 10 and 11. 

One of my children already had an autism diagnosis and the other was undiagnosed. 

We were friends. I didn't know about her kid until later. I didn't know about any of it. I didn't know what was to come. Anyway. Forgive me. Please G-d forgive me.

Recently at a community event she asked my husband if there was space at our table. I wasn't there yet. I didn’t know until after the event. So forgive me.  Forgive me for being thankful that there wasn't space at our table. 

I'm sorry and I hate feeling like this. I can't adequately express my feelings towards this mum. For what she is doing with her own child. My feelings about what she was told by professionals. The dead daughter, live son schpiel.  The discredited one. My feelings for my protective instincts for my children. It's all so very complicated. She's a lovely mum.

Maybe that's what transphobia means. Maybe that's the fear part. The fear that your children are going to be unduly influenced without your knowledge. 

When we meet, we're always both pleasant to each other. Hello, how are you? We're good. I don't elaborate, I'm not interested. I'm keen to leave. It's probably obvious. I do what I can.  

Gender ideology coming into our home has done me in. I can't be in the #bekindbrigade anymore. I don't know what more I can do. It makes me very upset.

Not upset enough, however, to want my family around hers.  Sorry.