I don't think we are getting anywhere

I don't think we are getting anywhere, especially not for the recent batch of kids since 2018/19. Maybe the younger ones coming up behind will be freer. It's not going anywhere in Scotland as far as I can see. 

I'm in a bad place just now. I recently detoxed from high dose gabapentin for chronic pain. It was horrific, terrible withdrawal symptoms.

I'm just struggling to get on with life. I'm in constant anxiety. Husband just got made redundant but is going to open his own dpt and has been offered a space in an existing office. It's all so fast and scary. I'm just waiting and barely existing for the next transbomb or plate shifting drama. Middle is leading a double life, I read her discord messages again. No signs of desistance but our relationship seems strong but I don't trust it cos she lies so well. It's confusing. Youngest is becoming more and more neurotypical female teenagery and wow, it's so different to the other two! She externalises whilst they internalised.

I rarely see anyone except my therapist and my weekly pain maintenance massage. It used to be a woman, and we would chat, talk, and vent about our kids and families together, but she's had to retire from the deep work I need, and her husband has taken over. I know it's stupid, but I miss our time together. She helped me stay sane! Also it's a bloke, which is a tad weird. He's totally safe. I've no worries there. But still, my preservation instinct is strong.

My best friend is barely keeping herself and her family afloat, 4 kids, 2 trans and I dont want her kids with mine at the moment as they bounce off each other. I've no one else. I'm trying so hard just to get on with life, but it's so damn hard. My pain limits my abilities and I'm frustrated with what I can't do versus what needs done. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere in case I break down or see something gendery (position myself facing pride flag so my kids aren't when out and about, that level of vigilance all the time.)

I'm forcing myself to pretend and carry on as if everything is going to work out, but I'm shit scared all the time.