Is it time to let go?

Every fucking time I feel even a tiny bit relaxed about this fucking nightmare some bastard transbomb fucks us over again. I give up.

I think there's no more I can do. I'm done. 😞 I can't even look at her just now. I'm just going to have to leave them both to the destruction of themselves. 

My therapist is again suggesting it's time to let them get on with their lives and me get on with mine. Basically, stop trying to find ways to help them understand what they've got themselves into and to desist. 

Middle 16, who I thought was almost about to maybe be on the path of desistance, has been lying to me for over a year. We thought that she had overcome her need to wear a binder.  I can't believe she's been deceiving me this whole time, again. I had a feeling she was still binding and I straight out asked and she lied to my face. A few times. 😭 I *really* thought she had stopped wearing them over a year ago. I can't believe I had a bit of hope and stupidly thought she was desisting. Now we're having to look for another non affirming therapist. From the small glimpse I have seen, she has truly ruined her breasts. 😔 

Also, I got called an insane bigot by eldest. 

I was actually starting to feel hopeful and that I could maybe start coping and getting on with life again. Stupid me. Stupid ideology. We had been having such a lovely time over the holiday, having fun, connecting and communicating as if we were a family that hasn't been destroyed by gender ideowoogly.

Every trans bomb pushes me further towards poor mental health and being unable to cope with life and every hope I feel about the way I thought we were getting on, the way I thought we were rebuilding our relationship with them, bonding and talking with them, gets fucked with every transbomb where we lose trust with each other, whilst they go further down the trans path.

We still never had a proper discussion with eldest 18 yet about the dangers of testosterone on her growing body. I've no idea what stage she is at with her appointment. What are Sandyford doing? Where is her referral? Lost in the 4000% increase in referrals is my only hope. I'm too scared to ask because asking could confirm my worst fears or it could put the idea to the forefront of her mind.

Eldest was here, over the holidays a couple of times and this time was to pick up her new phone. She said to me, with noone else in the room, that every time she sees me I'm even more of a hateful bigot all because I questioned her shipping House and his surgeon friend and said not everything is about being gay. Shipping is putting two characters together and have them be in a sexual relationship. 

I have since learnt all about House, Dead Poets Society, Sherlock and many many others. There's forums where hoards of girls discuss male actors being gay. There's websites where girls write hard core pornographic gay fantasty fiction and then go back to their forums and 'ship' these straight men and talk about it all night. 

I minimise myself massively whenever she is here and keep my mouth as shut as possible for a peaceful time but something about her shipping these two characters together really made me angry. One reason is because I thought she was watching it because it's one of my favourites. I thought she was interested in the medical stuff and it was a fun thing we could do together. Duh. Stupid me for thinking we had something in common. The other reason is, and I told her to stop being ridiculous, is that there's NO WAY House is gay and how dare she queer such a complex genius. For this, I'm a bigot.

So, on top of having norovirus for a week, it truly has been a Crappy New Year as usual. 😭