Did I blow it?

Oh G-d. An opportunity arose and I just had a sort of conversation with Middle 16 about GAC and being a boy and not feeling ok in her body and how it's not the answer. I may have blacked out with fear and used the opportunity, which I've not had for a very long time, to say too many things. I probably scared her off again. 😢 I just felt I had so much to say because we haven't spoken about it for so long. I feel so desperate. I've ruined things haven't I? 

It's been a few days and she's acting like I didn't say anything. Somethings going on though. She's trying to get a GP appointment. I helped her sort it and went through what the process is and showed her how to do it. She didn't tell them about the nose bleeds. She didn't tell them about the energy drink habit but they were sure to ask her at reception if she still wanted to be called xxxxx when she signed herself in with her actual name. 😭 Scotland still desperate to trans children. 

Ugh. I'm seriously scared about this. She's going alone to the Dr. All I can think is, she'll be back on the gender trail again. What safegaurds are in place now for my 16yr old? I'm freaking out but convince myself I'm being ridiculously over worried. (I know I'm not, but like a good little member of society I squash my fears. It's not happening)

So. Her first alone appointment with GP as a supposed adult and they gave her propananol. Just like that. 😢 She was as shocked as I am. 

The Dr could see she was very anxious, but that's how she is around adults and has to speak. She has autism and communicating is difficult. Why medicate that? Why not just work with it, learn to live and deal with it. She's so young to be on that kind of thing.

Now I'm proper worried.

I fucking knew it. Just found out.

She's going to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis so she can change all her details. She lied to me about needing to go to the GP. She said it was about sleep, she hasn't been sleeping well, and is saying I am being difficult about her going to the Dr???????? I fucking saw she was trying and steered her to the right place and told her what to fucking write in the form. 

I knew it. I knew it. I just knew this was what was happening

This is the moment. This is it. This is the day I've realised once and for all that my 18yr old and 16yr old are truly in this till the end.

February 2020 -February 2025

Trans wins everything 😡

Mother loses everything 😞

I can do no more. 

I want to run.